I went to visit my cousin in South Carolina recently, and driving there gave me a ton of time to consider my thoughts and begin to question them, which is a process I learned from Byron Katie.
As I listened to Katie’s talks in the car, I reflected on a relationship of mine that had recently ended.
I had been dating someone, and after a few weeks, I started to think that we didn’t have enough in common and she’s not a good match for me.
Up until then, though, we had gotten along well, and the relationship seemed to have great hope.
But at a certain point, that’s not what my mind told me…
And it didn’t take long for me to end the relationship.
I remember how much it made sense at the time—how much I believed what I had been thinking. I also remember how shocked she was when I told her it wasn’t working out.
So in the car, on the topic of my recently ended relationship, I asked myself the 4 questions Byron Katie suggests we ask.
“This woman is not a good match for me... Is that true?”
“Maybe… Or maybe not.”
“Can you know absolutely that it’s true.”
“How do you react when you believe that thought.”
“With her I end the relationship. With other women, I do the same.”
“Who would you be without the thought (that this person or nearly all women are not a good match for you)?”
“Probably in an amazing, yet not perfect, relationship with a lovely woman.”
This process of inquiry is life-changing because it allows us to see reality, and as Byron Katie says, “Reality is always kinder than imagination.”
I imagined that what was a nice relationship working out well would never work out well in the end…
And then I believed that thought and caused myself and this person to suffer.
As a life coach, I coach for insight—I help my clients see what they cannot see, and I teach our coaching apprentices to do the same.
At a particular point on the coaching calls, we often ask, “What’s the Truth now?”
Well I asked myself that question in the car that day, and what I came up with is this…
When I told her it wasn’t working out, she was SO SHOCKED because IT WAS working out.
And after believing the lies my mind tells me, perfectionism is the real problem here…
It causes me to believe that someday I’ll find the perfect relationship with the perfect person with whom I'll enjoy the perfect life.
And even though I know it’s not true—it’s absurd really—the thought is alluring. It’s so attractive to believe. And it’s also prolific—it’s been showing up in my mind my entire life.
Thanks for reading. You know it’s amazing what you realize when you begin to question what you’ve realized.